Self-perception vs the perception of others
When I am presenting, on the inside; I can feel like a duck paddling furiously beneath the surface. My chest tightens, I get hot, my mouth dries up... And yet, despite the chaos I feel, people always tell me I am clear, concise, eloquent, knowledgeable, and passionate (ok, loud and excitable then).
This mismatch between how we see ourselves and how others perceive us is fascinating – and it’s something that shows up in all areas of life.
So, what is it about self-perception that creates such a divide for some, no divide for others, and for a few, and for others, delusions of grandeur?
Self-perception is how we see and understand ourselves, including our abilities, traits, and behaviours. It’s deeply personal, influenced by past experiences, personal insecurities, and even the work ethic embedded in us from childhood.
Some of us, especially those prone to perfectionism or imposter syndrome, tend to underestimate ourselves. For others, self-perception can swing the other way – they view their abilities more highly than those around them (lucky them!).
Self-awareness, on the other hand, is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, and motivations. While self-perception is more about how we feel about ourselves. Self-awareness involves recognising these feelings and the impact we have on others. Both are closely related and deeply affect how we perform in various settings, from professional to personal.
A key aspect of self-perception is that it’s not static.
It changes based on the situation and the feedback we receive from others. This phenomenon, called self-other-mergence and it is the process of forming an impression of our abilities not just from our own performance, but from comparing ourselves to others. It’s particularly prevalent in team environments, where the dynamics and feedback from teammates shape our sense of self.
Interestingly, this comparison-based process happens in a specific part of our brain – the prefrontal cortex. This region is responsible for higher cognitive functions like learning, decision-making, and self-reflection. It’s here that we evaluate ourselves, not just against our own standards, but against the performance of others. In essence, we derive part of our self-perception through comparison (great).
Personality traits also play a huge role in shaping how we perceive ourselves. Using the OCEAN method; Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (or, as I prefer, emotional stability), we can see how personality impacts our self-perception. Those who score high in neuroticism (or lower emotional stability) for example, may be more likely to undervalue themselves, while those with higher extraversion might experience greater confidence, even in the face of uncertainty.
So why do some of us consistently underestimate ourselves while others seem immune to self-doubt? It could be a mix of upbringing, past experiences, or even personality traits. Personally, I’m always on the lookout for what’s next, so taking stock of what’s been achieved feels unnatural.
Many of us who are overly self-critical or modest were raised with high expectations or developed work ethics that constantly push us to “do better.” We see reduced value in what we’ve already achieved because we’re focused on what’s left to do.
Understanding the divide between how we see ourselves and how others see us is crucial in both personal and professional growth. It’s about recognising the impact of comparison, being aware of how our brain shapes our self-perception, and acknowledging that we don’t always see ourselves clearly.
For some of us, learning to view ourselves more positively is a journey – one that requires self-compassion and a bit of faith in the perspectives of those around us.
So, if you’re paddling like mad under the surface but everyone is telling you how “calm and collected” you seem, take it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, they might be onto something.
Now, if only I could get my prefrontal cortex to stop comparing my to-do list to everyone else’s...
References
Oxford News Blog: Intertwined: Our perception of ourselves and others
Human Perception: A comparative study of how others perceive me and how I perceive myself
Harvard Business Review: Seeing Yourself as Others See You
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